Telling Jokes
Lawyer Joke #1
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
Lawyer Joke #2
What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road and a dead skunk in the middle of the road?
There's skid marks in front of the skunk.
Wild West

The marshall walks into a bar in the old west town, and says to the bartender,"I'm lookin' for a feller, and maybe you've seen him. He'd be wearin' a paper hat, and paper shirt, paper pants, paper chaps, paper boots, and carryin' a paper gun."

Bartender says, "What's he wanted fer?"

Marshall says, "Rustlin'."

Big Bucks
Did you hear about the billionaire's kid who said he wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit for Halloween?
So his dad tried to buy him Congress.
How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one — and he gets 3 credits for it!

So Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping. They set up camp and bed down for the evening.

Then, in the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson, saying "Wake up! Wake up!"

Watson works his eyes open slowly, and Holmes says, "Look up! What do you see?"

"Stars," says Watson. "Billions and billions of stars."

Holmes continues, "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson thinks to himself, 'Here we go again with the head games,' and replies "Well, from the position of the stars, I conclude that it is approximately 3:00 A.M."

"Very good," says Holmes. "But what else?"

Watson: "From the clarity of the sky, I conclude that tomorrow will be a lovely day."

Holmes: "Good, good. But what else?"

Watson: "I see that there are billions and billions of stars, and therefore trillions of other worlds, and I conclude that there must be intelligent life elsewhere."

Holmes: "Yes, yes. But what ELSE?"

About this time Watson is fed up with Holmes' games, and he blurts out, "Enough already! What do you deduce?"

Replies Holmes, "Someone has stolen our tent."


There was serious flooding on the lower Mississippi. The Red Cross sent out a boat to help with the evacuation.

They came upon a house completely surrounded by floodwaters, with a lone man inside. "Come, we're here to save you! Get into the boat!" they cried.

"No," replied the old man. "I'm praying to God, and God's going to save me!"

So the boat went away.

The flood waters came up ten feet overnight, and the rescue boat came by the house again. The old man was trapped in the second story of his house. Again, the rescuers shouted, "We're here to save you! Come get into the boat!"

And again, the old man replied, "No, I'm praying to God, and God's going to save me!"

And the boat went away again.

The waters came up another ten feet the next night, and the old man was left sitting on the roof. Again the rescue boat came by, and again he sent them away.

And the next night, the waters came up another ten feet, and the old man was clinging to his chimney. Again the rescue boat came, and again the man sent them away so God could save him.

The waters came up another ten feet, and the old man drowned.

As he came into the Pearly Gates, St. Peter welcomed him, and asked if he had any questions. "Yes," he said. "I was praying to God, but he didn't save me. Why didn't he save me?"

Peter replied, "Heck, we sent the damn boat around four times! What more do you want?"

Red vs. Blue
A Democrat sees a half a glass of water, and says the glass is half empty.
A Republican sees a half a glass of water, and says, "Who drank half of my glass of water?"
Cats vs. Dogs
If you take a dog in, and care for it, and give it everything it needs, the dog will say to itself, "Wow! This guy takes care of me in every way and gives me everything I need. He must be God!"

If you take a cat in, and care for it, and give it everything it needs, the cat will say to itself, "Wow! This guy takes care of me in every way and gives me everything I need. I must be God!"

Heaven vs. Hell
In Heaven
  • The French cook the food.
  • The Swiss run the hotels.
  • The Germans fix the cars.
  • The Italians are the lovers.
  • The English are the police.
In Hell:
  • The English cook the food.
  • The French run the hotels.
  • The Italians fix the cars.
  • The Swiss are the lovers.
  • The Germans are the police.
Penguin Joke #1

There was this fellow who had a small delivery business - just him and his truck. One day, he was on his way to the zoo to deliver two penguins, when he got a call from his wife, who was going into labor. In a panic, he drove home, ran to his neighbor's house, and asked asked the neighbor, " Could you please take these penguins to the zoo for me? I've got to get my wife the the hospital, and they need to be there by 2:00!"

The neighbor kindly agreed.

Late that evening, the delivery man returned home. As he was parking his car, his neighbor pulled in and got out of the car with the two penguins. The fellow flipped! " I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

Replied the neighbor, " I did, and we had such a great time that we're going to the movies tomorrow!"

Penguin Joke #2

After leaving for the evening, a bar patron suddenly rushes back into the bar. He runs over and grabs the edge of the bar, and says, "Quick bartender, how tall is a penguin?"

Perplexed, the bartender responds, "I donno. About two feet, I guess."

"Thank god!" cries the drunk. "I thought I'd just run over a nun!"

State Capitals

A young blonde was used to frequenting a certain local pub. By and by, the patrons took to teasing her for being a "dumb blonde." She was not amused, and one particular evening was the last straw. She stormed home, furious.

She decided to devise a plan to show everyone how bright she was... something she could do on the spur of the moment to show off. After much thought, she decided to memorize all of the states and their capitals.

After staying home and studying for several weeks, she was ready to unveil her new skill. She arrived at the pub one Friday night, and was greeted by several patrons who commented on the length of time since they'd seen her.

She replied, "I've been busy. But to show you that I'm not so dumb, I want you to quiz me on state capitals. Ask me any one -- I know them all!"

"Wyoming," came the challenge.

"W," replied the blonde, triumphantly.

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslextic insomniac?
He would lie awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog.

Three friends were having a philosophical conversation over coffee one day, when they wandered onto the question of what was the greatest invention of all time. The agronomist insisted that it was the plow, for this allowed the efficient production of food, which in turn allowed people to live together in larger groups and form complex cultures.

The physicist countered, that the use of fire was the greatest invention, as this allowed man to cook his food, to stay warm, and to have light in the darkness.

"No, no!" retorted the geotechnical engineer. "The greatest invention is the thermos bottle!"

"That's ridiculous!" declared the others.

"No, really! It keeps hot food hot, and cold food cold!" said the engineer.

"So what?"

"How does it know?"

Deer Hunting

The forest ranger is out in the woods one day during deer season, when he spies two guys dragging a dead deer by the tail. Trying to be helpful to the poor dumb fools, he calls to them, "Hey it's easier if you drag him by the antlers."

The pair looks back at the deer, and one calls back to the ranger, "Yeah, but we ain't goin' that way!"

Irish Weddings
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
Medicine in Heaven #1

Three newcomers were standing at the Pearly Gates, awaiting admission to heaven. St. Peter asked the first, "Tell me about your life on earth."

He replies, "I was a heart surgeon. I performed surgery that saved hundreds of lives."

"Welcome," said Peter. "Come into heaven and stay for all of eternity."

To the next, Peter says, "Tell me about your live on earth."

The second replies, "I was doctor in family practice. I treated illnesses and made thousands of lives better."

"Welcome," said Peter. "Come into heaven and stay for all of eternity."

To the third, Peter says, "Tell me about your live on earth."

"Well," replies the third, "I worked in an HMO. We provided medical insurance coverage that paid for the care of millions of people."

"Welcome," said Peter. "You can stay three days."

Medicine in Heaven #2

A surgeon died and was greated at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. "Welcome," said St. Peter. "We're glad that you could join us here in heaven. Here are your wings and robe."

"But I prefer to wear my scrubs," protested the surgeon.

"No, no," said the saint. "We're all equal here in heaven. White robes for everyone."

As St. Peter showed the surgeon around, he continually told the surgeon, "We're all equal here," as he campaigned for a special parking place, shirking routine duties, and prefered placement everwhere.

When lunch time came, St. Peter showed him to the cafeteria, where the surgeon immediately tried to cut into line. Again, the saint pulled him back, and told him, "You'll have to wait in line with everyone else."

As the doctor grumbled and nursed his wounded pride, a man wearing scrubs came dashing into the cafeteria and immediately went to the front of the line. "What the..." cried the surgeon.

""Oh,"" replied St. Peter. "That's God. He thinks he's a surgeon."

Bear Hunting

So this [insert pejorative here] decided to go bear hunting up in Canada. After a lengthy drive, he was deep in the back country. It was then that he came to a fork in the road, with a big orange sign that read "BRIDGE OUT. BEAR LEFT."

So he went home.